You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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