my phone needs a breathalizer
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
