i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
