I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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