...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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