So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
