Don't make out with my wife yet
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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