Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
