Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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