i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Randomize
