I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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