I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
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Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
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