Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
