The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
