I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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