I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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