I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
