i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
