im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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