I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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