Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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