I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
