Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
found the other keg... it's in the tree
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
