My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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