I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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