She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
