SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
my being single is dangerous.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
