You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
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