Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
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I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
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I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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