Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
