I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
