i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
