Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
