dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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