Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
