i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Randomize
