Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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