Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
