I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
