I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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