i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
