my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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