you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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