New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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