Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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