i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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