a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
