Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
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Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
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