i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I cut my penus on the lid.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
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