Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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