if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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