Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
