Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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