Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
