i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
