remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
