You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
