chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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