i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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