would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize