hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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