I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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